Life has  been rough lately. Don’t get me wrong I am in love with the precious new addition to our family, he really is a keeper! I am at home taking care of him all day, until I have to go back to work at the end of December. I enjoy spending time with him and watching him grow. But there is a part of me that feels like the outside world (and my inside world at times) is flying by outside the walls of my life and I dont know where its going. Let me elaborate… I spend my day’s nursing Josiah, bathing him, changing his diapers, taking walks with him, burping him, hushing him to sleep, laying on the floor interacting with tummy time, talking to him, singing to him, and occasionally taking naps with him (if I’m lucky). That the world I used to know of uninterrupted tv shows like Greys, CSI, Private Practice, and Melrose Place are long gone. I try to watch something and maybe catch the first few minutes while feeding and changing a diaper all to find myself wondering why in the world Izzy left Alex at the end of the show. It’s too frustrating I give up trying. Not only media days, but more importantly my walk with Christ. One thing that I can say has increased during this time in my life is the fact that I’m praying more. I need to in order to stay sane through countless sleepless nights. But I am saddened that I have no devotional life. I know I am at fault for this, it seems impossible to find time, I know I need to find it though. I miss blogging, I miss scrape booking, and cooking.  What happened to being able to take a shower in the mornings, or talk on the phone when I needed to. I really feel out of tuned, and out of wack. I miss having a daily routine so I can maintain what little sense of control I think  I have. It leaves me feeling a little lost. I am trying to find my routine more in the weekly stuff I am able to do, church, youth group, mommy support group, weight watchers. But it is challenging.

I say all of this not to complain about becoming a mommy. But to vent about some things I miss. I am really head over heals in love with our little boy, but I miss a part of me that I feel has died. I am constantly reminded by family and friends that this is only for a season.  He will grow up (tears) and we will become more of a family unit. I cant wait to trade in my “media” time for a family movie night or game night. And I would give up scrape booking time to take him to the park to play, or cheer on the sidelines of a soccer game in a heart beat. But for now, none of these things are an option. Josiah just isn’t at the stage in life yet. I am relishing every moment with him little, and I am thrilled about the future. For today…I will be here with a little drooling Josiah on my chest, and that is more than ok!