Life is ever changing

Life has  been rough lately. Don’t get me wrong I am in love with the precious new addition to our family, he really is a keeper! I am at home taking care of him all day, until I have to go back to work at the end of December. I enjoy spending time with him and watching him grow. But there is a part of me that feels like the outside world (and my inside world at times) is flying by outside the walls of my life and I dont know where its going. Let me elaborate… I spend my day’s nursing Josiah, bathing him, changing his diapers, taking walks with him, burping him, hushing him to sleep, laying on the floor interacting with tummy time, talking to him, singing to him, and occasionally taking naps with him (if I’m lucky). That the world I used to know of uninterrupted tv shows like Greys, CSI, Private Practice, and Melrose Place are long gone. I try to watch something and maybe catch the first few minutes while feeding and changing a diaper all to find myself wondering why in the world Izzy left Alex at the end of the show. It’s too frustrating I give up trying. Not only media days, but more importantly my walk with Christ. One thing that I can say has increased during this time in my life is the fact that I’m praying more. I need to in order to stay sane through countless sleepless nights. But I am saddened that I have no devotional life. I know I am at fault for this, it seems impossible to find time, I know I need to find it though. I miss blogging, I miss scrape booking, and cooking.  What happened to being able to take a shower in the mornings, or talk on the phone when I needed to. I really feel out of tuned, and out of wack. I miss having a daily routine so I can maintain what little sense of control I think  I have. It leaves me feeling a little lost. I am trying to find my routine more in the weekly stuff I am able to do, church, youth group, mommy support group, weight watchers. But it is challenging.

I say all of this not to complain about becoming a mommy. But to vent about some things I miss. I am really head over heals in love with our little boy, but I miss a part of me that I feel has died. I am constantly reminded by family and friends that this is only for a season.  He will grow up (tears) and we will become more of a family unit. I cant wait to trade in my “media” time for a family movie night or game night. And I would give up scrape booking time to take him to the park to play, or cheer on the sidelines of a soccer game in a heart beat. But for now, none of these things are an option. Josiah just isn’t at the stage in life yet. I am relishing every moment with him little, and I am thrilled about the future. For today…I will be here with a little drooling Josiah on my chest, and that is more than ok!

Our birth story

Josiah Mathew’s birth story.

Yay, our little one is finally here! What an adventure it has been. I Wish I could be posting more often, I don’t want to forget a second of this precious time we have with our newborn. I know it will go by all too fast. But, being a mommy is a lot of work and top priority right now. Forgive all the extreme details but I really want to remember everything about the labor and this is how I keep track. Anyway onto our birth story…

It started on Saturday night (09/12/09). I met some of the youth at Bollweivel for karaoke, Ken was working late. I started to feel not so great by the time I got home later that night. I didn’t know if I wanted to puke or eat because I was starving. I just felt lousy, so I went to bed and couldn’t sleep all night for the life of me. I started to feel cramps, something I have never felt before while pregnant. I tossed and turned all night. At about 4am I thought I wet the bed! My water was starting to leak (but I wasn’t sure if it was my water or not yet). I was up and down in and out of the bathroom all night. Later in the morning I woke Kenny up and told him I might be having contractions, he grabbed his phone to time them…then he fell asleep! LOL. I woke him up again and we started timing them. We finally got out of bed and I sent him off to grab some breakfast burritos. I was starving. I called the hospital and explained what was happening. They really make you doubt yourself when you call (probably because they were so overcrowded that weekend). They pretty much told me to wait and see. We continued timing the contractions but they were so sporadic I didn’t think I was in labor. They would come 10 minutes, 30, 20, back down to 8. They never stopped, but they weren’t getting worse either. So that Sunday I sent Kenny to work while I stayed home from church. I called a few people to tell them, we might be in labor. I still wasn’t sure. Gaynell then left church to come over and time the contractions with me during the day since Kenny wasn’t here. She brought me a chocolate-banana shake from Mi Ranchito…it’s all I wanted that day. I was pretty sure by this time that my water was in fact leaking while it ran down my leg as I ran to the restroom. It was a slow trickle all day, but during the more intense contractions it would leak more. I still wasn’t positive if I was in labor or not. Mostly because the contractions weren’t as bad as I thought they should be. I kept thinking it’s got to hurt more than this. I called the hospital to let them know I was pretty sure my water was leaking. The nurse said to come in within the next couple hours and they will check me out but I wanted to wait it out at home most the day, and try to wait on Ken to get home. So, Gaynell and I sat around the house and timed the contractions all day. Again, sporadic. They were getting a little closer together, but they still ranged from 15, 5, to 10. We went on a couple walks to speed it up, and nothing really happened. Gaynell finally talked me into packing for the hospital so I did. I didn’t really want to, I still wasn’t sure if this was really it. Later Ron came over, he was a little freaked out I wasn’t at the hospital yet. It was pretty amusing. Kenny got off about an hour early and made it home, we sat around and visited while timing contractions for a while.

After a few close contractions that were lasting over a minute, we decided to head down (8:00pm on Sunday 09/13). We checked into the hospital through the ER, since it was afterhours. It took awhile getting in, apparently they were super busy that day/weekend and there really wasn’t any room. After getting into a room, they checked me. My water was leaking, and I was dialated between 3-4 centimeters! I was shocked! Right after the nurse checked me, she put the contraction monitor and the fetal heart rate monitor on my belly, and had me sign a bunch of papers. It was hard to think at this point, the contractions were getting much stronger, and shortly after this they were about 5 minutes long each contraction! I was beside myself. I could hardly take it. I was so scared that my body was shaking, and my lips were quivering. I was scared mainly because I didn’t really allow myself to think, wow this is it..Im in labor. I basically kept telling myself all day, this isn’t it, this cant be it! So mentally I wasn’t prepared at all. Everything was happening so fast! During these long painful contractions I was contemplating the epidural. I was scared out of my mind to get it, I thought it would hurt so bad. But I finally caved in and asked for it. Meanwhile, the nurse was hooking up my IV. Oh my it hurt like no other! She kept jabbing me up the arm, over and over again. Nothing. So then she went into my hand which hurt worse. At this point I was deathly afraid of the epidural, but the pain of the contractions ruled over my epidural inhibitions. Finally the anesthesiologist came in to give it to me. Piece of cake. Little did I know the IV is what really hurt. I could have taken a million needles up my back for the epidural than to get that IV. I really was afraid for no reason in comparison! Funny, no one ever told me that! Anyway, once the epidural was administered I started to relax and calm down. The shaking went away, and my lips stopped quivering. The contractions started to come stronger and closer together after the epidural because my body was so much more relaxed. But the contractions still remained very sporadic the whole time. I think they became stronger and closer as labor started progressing more because I wasnt fighting the contractions anymore, and I was so much more relaxed. In the meantime, my Grandma Carole, and my sister Amy showed up. Ron and Gaynell left shortly after Grandma got there. And Grandma and Amy stayed the whole night while I labored. It moved fairly quickly. At one point the nurse checked me and I was at 7 cm, an hour later, 9 cm. (Of which I slept that whole hour! Yay epidural). My dr. showed up in the morning at about 9 am to check me, and said that I should deliver the baby before noon that day (Monday 9/14).

My contractions were not staying very consistant so the nurse put me on pitocin to keep them regular as I pushed. She started the pitocin a few minutes before I started pushing. My nurse had me practice my pushing as soon as the dr. left. We got pretty far in our “practicing” as the baby’s head started to crown. We ‘practiced’ maybe 20 minutes, before the nurse decided to stop and allow my dr. to show up. As soon as he came in, he took a quick peek, it was pretty funny to see the surprised look on his face, and then he rushed to get ready for the delivery. He was going so fast, I thought the baby might pop out right then! After he was ready he checked me to see if I needed an episiotomy before pushing again. I didn’t, so he had me push through another contraction. As soon as I bared down to push he started telling me..no no, too hard, stop pushing, stop pushing. I actually laughed, because I wasn’t really pushing yet, I stopped anyway. As soon as another contraction came, he told me to push, but this time push slowly…I gave one little tiny push and out came our precious baby, Josiah Mathew Ragsdale. He weighed 7 pounds exact, and measured just over 19″ long. As soon as he came out and the nurse placed him on my chest all I could do was weep. I cried and cried, and said over and over again, he is so beautiful! He was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, beautiful skin. He literally came out, perfect. I didn’t see a spot of blood, or mucus on him, his head was perfectly round too. We got many comments from the dr. and nurses, of how beautiful he came out. It was really amazing. The whole experience was incredible. The dr. had to give me 2 tiny stitches that dissolve on there own and that was it. From the time I started pushing to the time he came out it was about 20-30 minutes.

Here are some pics…

Time to go home!

Date night on a budget

Great inexpensive date night…..Chinese “take-in”. I cooked up some Chinese chicken lettuce wraps, and white rice for date night in last night. (take that PF Chang’s!) It was actually alot of fun. Goes great with a good movie rental, some romance, and maybe a game thrown in there too.

You can get really creative with this date night idea too. Try eating dinner at the coffee table, while sitting on pillows. Also try eating dinner with chopsticks, and maybe throw in some sake! It was a fun way to have a nice Chinese date night dinner, without paying top $.

Beach Day

Kenny and I were able to spend the day together. It was nice, we packed a picnic lunch and headed to the beach.

We were there most of the day, its was nice and relaxing. I fell asleep for a little while, and was awoken by screaming teenagers (as there was a “senior day” from one of the nearby high schools)…lucky us. I really do like kids…LOL, just not all of them….hahaha. (that was an interesting conversation in and of itself that we had today).

Anyway, afterwards we went home to grill some kick-in steak. Yay bean! It was so good, which is weird, I haven’t thought beef tasted any good since before I got preggos. My oh my how the taste can change on a dime! All in all…one great day:)

Pregnancy Journal:18 Weeks

I cant wait for our ultrasound next Friday, we will finally find out what our little spud is! Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we can find out anyway. My mom told me that she never knew what I was untill she delivered me at the hospital. She said that everytime they did an ultrasound my little legs were crossed, so lets hope that doesn’t happen to us. I would LOVE to know ahead of time. But I am mainly just excited to see the baby. It is such a blessing to be able to see whats going on in there.

I have been feeling pretty good latley. I have had cramping like always, apparently it is the ligaments growing and stretching since there is so much growing and moving around for my body to do. They havent been too bad latley, but they are there off and on. I have still had one wild overly active bladder, not much fun at night. But I know it will most likley only get worse. Eating is still touch and go, I havent been eating a lot, just more often. I noticed that my appetite has kicked up a few notches, but I still don’t really ever want much…salad, fruit, and cold foods (not by choice!). And needless to say I have had one sensitive stomach, which is so not normal. The dog has been getting sick at night (lucky me… the time I have him…alone!) It has been a train reaction, monkey see… monkey do. All it takes is one swoop from paper towel in hand, to the trash can and I am a goner! I was SO sick over it this past weekend. What a whimp!

On a less nauseating note, I think I’ve been feeling baby movements. They started very lightly about a week ago, I wasn’t so sure what they were. But they have gotten more frequent and a little stronger. It feels like a flutter, it is really quick too, that’s why it is so hard to say if that’s what it was. There are a lot of things going on in there, its hard to tell if it’s the little spud or not. This week those feelings have kicked up a little bit, I mainly feel it during or after eating, sometimes it seems like a muscle spasm except inside my stomach! One day last week there was a strong movement, and I wasn’t sure what it was, I looked down to brush something off my shirt thinking it was a bug. But it was inside, no brushing that away! Only time will tell for sure if what I’m feeling are baby or just bodily functions. I should know soon, cant wait to know FOR SURE that it was/is the baby moving!

Pregnancy Journal: 15 1/2 weeks

Week 15, 4 days

 Today was our monthly check up (weeks late) but still better late than never. It’s been rough trying to get in to see our dr. he is very busy and in my opinion takes way too many patients. Anyway, on to the good stuff..Everything appeared fine, they checked my urine for sugar (I think that’s what it was) and that checked out fine, blood pressure good, lost a couple more pounds making it just under 10 pounds since my first appointment. This worried me a little, but the dr. said I am fine and the baby is fine as long as I am not vomiting up everything that goes into my mouth which hasn’t really been happening. So, he says the weight lose is fine, so it’s fine. It’s just shocking, as I feel like I look HUGE already! I wonder where the weight is being lost?? Certainly not my waistline, or bust area! lol whatevs. As long as we are both healthy so be it!

We were waiting for the dr to listen to the heartbeat with the Doppler except he didn’t have it with him for some reason so he tells us we get an ultrasound! We haven’t seen the little baby since we were only 7 weeks pregnant, a long time ago! And it looked nothing like a baby; it looked like a little egg, or jelly bean. Anyway they are so stingy with ultrasounds, it seems as though they don’t like to give them often. So you can imagine my excitement when he told us we get to see the baby today! I was SO excited.. When he put the scanner thingy on my belly a small baby showed across the screen! A baby! Not a jelly bean or egg, but a real life baby with arms, legs, a belly, a nose, fingers, toes…..INCREDIBLE! I was literally speechless, and the only words that could come out were…It’s actually a baby in there! And the dr responded, “well of course it’s always been”. Lately I knew in my head that I was pregnant but wasn’t quite sure at times. You know…my belly isn’t huge or that obvious yet, the sickness has pretty much passed, and I don’t feel a baby in there so I couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if I was still pregnant or not. Well after today, no questions there! It truly was amazing to watch our little bug moving around, it’s little arms and legs flapping around as if it were swimming. I asked the dr. to check for the sex, after some maneuvering he found the perfect position to access the image of ‘the goods’ and alas the little legs were crossed….(Which I mentioned to Kenny later at lunch how LADY like that was of her! He then responded with a grunt and mentioned under his breath something about everyone being against him..ha!) Oh well, we will see. Next check up will be a month from now, on the same day we will schedule the actual ultrasound and (keep your fingers crossed) sex of the baby J Can’t wait!

Spring Ahead?

Umm, no thank you? I’d rather not, boy do I wish I had a choice. Waking up at 5:00, what would have been 4:00am is so unholy. Today was disgusting! I was so tired I could have fallen asleep walking around. This just isn’t any fun

Pregnancy Cravings

I have had major pregnancy food aversions and cravings lately. Yesterday after work, but before dinner, I was starving! I ate, two pieces of toast with cinnamon and sugar on top, almost and entire jar of pickles, and a spoon full of peanut butter! I know looking back it sounds pretty disgusting, but right now it is 7:27 am, and all I could think about are tacos. Oh my, what I would give for some yummy tacos! Although, Im sure they wouldnt make it to the stomach thanks to lingering  morning sickness, but it sounds good anyway. Another thing I can’t get out of my mind…..drumsticks! I got to go get one today, LOL.

I don’t get it, since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve been craving fruit, and salads, and smoothies…no joke! That’s all I have been eating (when I can eat anyway). But since my appetite is coming back the past week or so, the cravings are getting not so healthy, Oh Lord help me now. Will it just get worse too? Uh-oh I’m in for it!

Overwhelmed and Exhausted

I am so worn out tonight. I feel completely drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. It has been such a long rough week. My supervisor who taught me everything I know, left the company today. So needless to say I got a new supervisor this week. It is a BIG change, I’m never good  with change. Part of my rough week was a nasty fight with a friend, and my hours at work have been cut.

All of this on top of being overly emotional, thanks to the little guy (or girl) in my tummy is a bad combination. I just want to sit here in this same spot all weekend and cry (ok continue crying). I am sad, anxious, nervous, extremely emotional, and over the top tired.

It may sound very whiney, and who am I kidding maybe it is. But through all of this, God has been blessing immensly. Kenny and I started our couple devotions the other night, which is very encouraging. And although my hours have been cut at work, it has left me with more time to spend with Kenny. And the biggest miraculous gift God has ever given to me, is being created in the depths of my being as we speak, who could ask for more of a blessing than that?

Even when I am at my weakest point and completely worn out, tired, and exhausted then I will lean on God to get me through it.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:5-7

Love Song for Baby!

Artist: Disciple
Song: After The World

 
You break the glass, try to hide your face
Recorded lines that just will not erase
And buried in your loss of innocence
You wonder if you’ll find it again 

Was I there for the worst of all your pain?
And was I there when your blue skies ran away?
Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet?
Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you 

I’m the One that you’ve been looking for
I’m the One that you’ve been waiting for
I’ve had My eyes on you ever since you were born
I will love you after the rain falls down
I will love you after the sun goes out
I’ll have My eyes on you after the world is no more 

Did I arrange the light of your first day?
Did I create the rhythm your heart makes?
Could you believe when your candle starts to fade?
I want to be the One that you believe
Could take it all away, take your heart away 

Isn’t My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm
To fill the space between Me and you?
And I will do it all over again
Just look for Me, just wait for Me 

The One you’ve been looking for
The One you’ve been waiting for
You won’t have to look anymore
I must have listened to this song a dozen times today on the way home from work. And God had this playing on my ipod just for me today, it brought me so much peace and joy. I have to admit that I have had so many fears about bringing a child into this world, for many reasons. But God played this song and it brought so much peace. "Did I arrange the light of your first day? Did I create the rhythm your heartmakes? Could you believe when your candle starts to fade? I want to be the One that you believe Could take it all away, take your heart away" I felt God telling me He loves this little creature, that He is creating inside of me, his hands are forming every ascpect of His creation. He hold this tiny little beating heart in the palm of His hand, and will NEVER let it go. It hit me and touched me so deeply how precious and how loved by God this little one is, before we even know this person. It chokes me up BIG TIME, partly because even Two and a Half Men made me cry the other day (pregnancy hormones, grrrr...) but also in the pure peace God has given my heart. He knows what He is doing, this is not an accident, He WILL provide, and HE will raise this child through us. Oh and by the way, any type of song with regards to forming, or creating a child, anything that can even swing that way has taken on a whole new meaning to me. And the child isnt even here yet! Wow how God changes the heart little by little to prepare...it really is amazing. It seems like just a few weeks ago I had no emotional connection to baby yet, I guess it happens little by little   Either way, it's exciting.