I see the King of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes

I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We’re on our knees, we’re on our knees

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

This song has really spoken to my heart this week. It has been my heart cry. Imagine our lives if only our hearts would break for what breaks Gods, to love like He loves us. Amazing.

Josiah had his Halloween party with all of his little friends. He was dressed up as Pooh Bear, the costume is so big on him even though it is newborn size. He looks super cute in it though…

Ken and I carved our pumpkins tonight. I was totally impressed with his, mine was ok. Mine is the bat on the left, his is the cat on the right…

Life has  been rough lately. Don’t get me wrong I am in love with the precious new addition to our family, he really is a keeper! I am at home taking care of him all day, until I have to go back to work at the end of December. I enjoy spending time with him and watching him grow. But there is a part of me that feels like the outside world (and my inside world at times) is flying by outside the walls of my life and I dont know where its going. Let me elaborate… I spend my day’s nursing Josiah, bathing him, changing his diapers, taking walks with him, burping him, hushing him to sleep, laying on the floor interacting with tummy time, talking to him, singing to him, and occasionally taking naps with him (if I’m lucky). That the world I used to know of uninterrupted tv shows like Greys, CSI, Private Practice, and Melrose Place are long gone. I try to watch something and maybe catch the first few minutes while feeding and changing a diaper all to find myself wondering why in the world Izzy left Alex at the end of the show. It’s too frustrating I give up trying. Not only media days, but more importantly my walk with Christ. One thing that I can say has increased during this time in my life is the fact that I’m praying more. I need to in order to stay sane through countless sleepless nights. But I am saddened that I have no devotional life. I know I am at fault for this, it seems impossible to find time, I know I need to find it though. I miss blogging, I miss scrape booking, and cooking.  What happened to being able to take a shower in the mornings, or talk on the phone when I needed to. I really feel out of tuned, and out of wack. I miss having a daily routine so I can maintain what little sense of control I think  I have. It leaves me feeling a little lost. I am trying to find my routine more in the weekly stuff I am able to do, church, youth group, mommy support group, weight watchers. But it is challenging.

I say all of this not to complain about becoming a mommy. But to vent about some things I miss. I am really head over heals in love with our little boy, but I miss a part of me that I feel has died. I am constantly reminded by family and friends that this is only for a season.  He will grow up (tears) and we will become more of a family unit. I cant wait to trade in my “media” time for a family movie night or game night. And I would give up scrape booking time to take him to the park to play, or cheer on the sidelines of a soccer game in a heart beat. But for now, none of these things are an option. Josiah just isn’t at the stage in life yet. I am relishing every moment with him little, and I am thrilled about the future. For today…I will be here with a little drooling Josiah on my chest, and that is more than ok!

Josiah turned one month old! He is growing so much, he has put on a few pounds and is growing in length. I feel like it is flashing before my eyes- his growth! It’s really amazing. He is becoming more alert, and awake just a little bit longer during the day. He is also trying to copy our mouth movements when we play with him, it is so cute. He hasn’t mastered it yet, but it’s really cute to see him try. At about the start of his fourth week he started sleeping in his own room, such a big boy! He has been really fussy in the evenings, not sure why. Most the time he seems perfectly fine, just fussy. Other times he is gassy. It has been quit a battle trying to figure out what it is in my diet I am eating that doesnt agree with him.

Here I am world, a growing boy at 1 month old!

We put Josiah in his own crib a few weeks ago because he was waking up every 45 minutes or so when he was in his cradle in our room. And it was rough! It was so rough I let him sleep in bed with us a few nights just so I can sleep, I didnt like him in bed with us at all. It is not a restful sleep for me, and I dont want him getting used to it. A friend at my mommy support group suggested putting him in his own crib and in his room and he might not mind it, and may not wake up as much because he cant smell me and know I’m close by, so he might stay asleep longer. I figured couldn’t hurt to try. So we did, and the first night he slept about 4 hours right off the bat, then woke up about every 2. We have been doing this ever since. Guess he is just a big boy and wanted his own room! Here are some morning pics. (he makes some of the funniest faces sometimes!)

My Aunt Charissa came over and we had our first photo shoot together. I slept most the time, so I didn’t mind her doing all the ‘frilly’ stuff to me….

Josiah is quit popular. He has had so many people over to visit him between family and friends. Here are just a few  family pics…

Aunt Charissa, Aunt Amy and Uncle Matt

Grandma, Uncle Isaac

Cousin Greyson, Aunt Amy

Grandma/ Grandpa

We had fun giving Josiah his first bath the other week. I think he liked it, he didn’t fuss at all. He actually kept trying to eat his hand, I think because it had water on it. It was pretty cute. Amy was still here at the time, so she took the pics….

So we recently celebrated our fourth year anniversary. We werent able to do much, given the fact tha our first born son was just over a week old. But my sister was still at our house, so after nursing the little guy Kenny and I were at least able to make it out for dinner. Nothing real fancy, we went to Nuevo Grill, one of Kenny’s favs. And he brought me home beautiful roses and a sweet card. Good job babe!

Josiah Mathew’s birth story.

Yay, our little one is finally here! What an adventure it has been. I Wish I could be posting more often, I don’t want to forget a second of this precious time we have with our newborn. I know it will go by all too fast. But, being a mommy is a lot of work and top priority right now. Forgive all the extreme details but I really want to remember everything about the labor and this is how I keep track. Anyway onto our birth story…

It started on Saturday night (09/12/09). I met some of the youth at Bollweivel for karaoke, Ken was working late. I started to feel not so great by the time I got home later that night. I didn’t know if I wanted to puke or eat because I was starving. I just felt lousy, so I went to bed and couldn’t sleep all night for the life of me. I started to feel cramps, something I have never felt before while pregnant. I tossed and turned all night. At about 4am I thought I wet the bed! My water was starting to leak (but I wasn’t sure if it was my water or not yet). I was up and down in and out of the bathroom all night. Later in the morning I woke Kenny up and told him I might be having contractions, he grabbed his phone to time them…then he fell asleep! LOL. I woke him up again and we started timing them. We finally got out of bed and I sent him off to grab some breakfast burritos. I was starving. I called the hospital and explained what was happening. They really make you doubt yourself when you call (probably because they were so overcrowded that weekend). They pretty much told me to wait and see. We continued timing the contractions but they were so sporadic I didn’t think I was in labor. They would come 10 minutes, 30, 20, back down to 8. They never stopped, but they weren’t getting worse either. So that Sunday I sent Kenny to work while I stayed home from church. I called a few people to tell them, we might be in labor. I still wasn’t sure. Gaynell then left church to come over and time the contractions with me during the day since Kenny wasn’t here. She brought me a chocolate-banana shake from Mi Ranchito…it’s all I wanted that day. I was pretty sure by this time that my water was in fact leaking while it ran down my leg as I ran to the restroom. It was a slow trickle all day, but during the more intense contractions it would leak more. I still wasn’t positive if I was in labor or not. Mostly because the contractions weren’t as bad as I thought they should be. I kept thinking it’s got to hurt more than this. I called the hospital to let them know I was pretty sure my water was leaking. The nurse said to come in within the next couple hours and they will check me out but I wanted to wait it out at home most the day, and try to wait on Ken to get home. So, Gaynell and I sat around the house and timed the contractions all day. Again, sporadic. They were getting a little closer together, but they still ranged from 15, 5, to 10. We went on a couple walks to speed it up, and nothing really happened. Gaynell finally talked me into packing for the hospital so I did. I didn’t really want to, I still wasn’t sure if this was really it. Later Ron came over, he was a little freaked out I wasn’t at the hospital yet. It was pretty amusing. Kenny got off about an hour early and made it home, we sat around and visited while timing contractions for a while.

After a few close contractions that were lasting over a minute, we decided to head down (8:00pm on Sunday 09/13). We checked into the hospital through the ER, since it was afterhours. It took awhile getting in, apparently they were super busy that day/weekend and there really wasn’t any room. After getting into a room, they checked me. My water was leaking, and I was dialated between 3-4 centimeters! I was shocked! Right after the nurse checked me, she put the contraction monitor and the fetal heart rate monitor on my belly, and had me sign a bunch of papers. It was hard to think at this point, the contractions were getting much stronger, and shortly after this they were about 5 minutes long each contraction! I was beside myself. I could hardly take it. I was so scared that my body was shaking, and my lips were quivering. I was scared mainly because I didn’t really allow myself to think, wow this is it..Im in labor. I basically kept telling myself all day, this isn’t it, this cant be it! So mentally I wasn’t prepared at all. Everything was happening so fast! During these long painful contractions I was contemplating the epidural. I was scared out of my mind to get it, I thought it would hurt so bad. But I finally caved in and asked for it. Meanwhile, the nurse was hooking up my IV. Oh my it hurt like no other! She kept jabbing me up the arm, over and over again. Nothing. So then she went into my hand which hurt worse. At this point I was deathly afraid of the epidural, but the pain of the contractions ruled over my epidural inhibitions. Finally the anesthesiologist came in to give it to me. Piece of cake. Little did I know the IV is what really hurt. I could have taken a million needles up my back for the epidural than to get that IV. I really was afraid for no reason in comparison! Funny, no one ever told me that! Anyway, once the epidural was administered I started to relax and calm down. The shaking went away, and my lips stopped quivering. The contractions started to come stronger and closer together after the epidural because my body was so much more relaxed. But the contractions still remained very sporadic the whole time. I think they became stronger and closer as labor started progressing more because I wasnt fighting the contractions anymore, and I was so much more relaxed. In the meantime, my Grandma Carole, and my sister Amy showed up. Ron and Gaynell left shortly after Grandma got there. And Grandma and Amy stayed the whole night while I labored. It moved fairly quickly. At one point the nurse checked me and I was at 7 cm, an hour later, 9 cm. (Of which I slept that whole hour! Yay epidural). My dr. showed up in the morning at about 9 am to check me, and said that I should deliver the baby before noon that day (Monday 9/14).

My contractions were not staying very consistant so the nurse put me on pitocin to keep them regular as I pushed. She started the pitocin a few minutes before I started pushing. My nurse had me practice my pushing as soon as the dr. left. We got pretty far in our “practicing” as the baby’s head started to crown. We ‘practiced’ maybe 20 minutes, before the nurse decided to stop and allow my dr. to show up. As soon as he came in, he took a quick peek, it was pretty funny to see the surprised look on his face, and then he rushed to get ready for the delivery. He was going so fast, I thought the baby might pop out right then! After he was ready he checked me to see if I needed an episiotomy before pushing again. I didn’t, so he had me push through another contraction. As soon as I bared down to push he started telling me..no no, too hard, stop pushing, stop pushing. I actually laughed, because I wasn’t really pushing yet, I stopped anyway. As soon as another contraction came, he told me to push, but this time push slowly…I gave one little tiny push and out came our precious baby, Josiah Mathew Ragsdale. He weighed 7 pounds exact, and measured just over 19″ long. As soon as he came out and the nurse placed him on my chest all I could do was weep. I cried and cried, and said over and over again, he is so beautiful! He was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, beautiful skin. He literally came out, perfect. I didn’t see a spot of blood, or mucus on him, his head was perfectly round too. We got many comments from the dr. and nurses, of how beautiful he came out. It was really amazing. The whole experience was incredible. The dr. had to give me 2 tiny stitches that dissolve on there own and that was it. From the time I started pushing to the time he came out it was about 20-30 minutes.

Here are some pics…

Time to go home!